My Paper Swan

                                

                                    ⋆｡𖦹°⭒˚｡⋆

Hello my little specs of stardust,

Its Moony here⋆˚࿔

Today's blog will be an in-depth insight into my romantic life. Ive managed to bag a boyfriend. I know, im rather surprised myself, I didnt really think I was girlfriend material yet here we are. He is a lovely man, for the sake of my sanity however, we will call him Lemon Shark. 

Let me tell you about my Lemon Shark.

He was recommended to me by my friend and her boyfriend during school. They said we'd be good together, behind my back some time ago they showed him some pictures of me and he liked what he saw. They were garbage images. Complete garbage. But since he liked those, i was sure I could give him a try. She showed me a picture of him, and it was a crappy photo with a "Mommy" filter plastered above his head, he was laying down, and the camera was angled behind him. It was clearly a mug, but what any normal person would laugh at and disregard, interested me. My friend told her bf, he told him, next thing I know he added me on Snapchat during my next lesson, and all three of them arranged a double date. Without my knowledge. This all happened in the spam of an hour and 15 minutes.

What gets to me is the fact that we had already met during the summer, and I had absolutely no recollection of it whatsoever. Me and my friend group were hanging out in a park, including my friend's boyfriend, when some of his friends were passing by and spotted him, so they joined us for about 30 minutes, then i went home. One of those friends just so happened to be my Lemon Shark. Apparently, he noticed me, particularly my coily hair. The boys did not converse with my friend group, only my friend's man, yet i caught his attention nonetheless. Rather romantic.

His voice is gorgeous, he sounds like a geeky gamer, which is ironic since he kind of is one. Its rather delicate, with hints of masculinity, as if he were a soft-spoken ASMRtist. 

He has short blond hair, Ive never really been fond of blonds, my first ever crush (Jeremy Sumpter, yes, from the 2003 Peter Pan film. How typical) was blond, since then I've completely grown out of blonds. However, Lemon Shark was my exception. He does wear a black beanie a lot of the time, which does cover the shine of brightness upon his head.

He is rather alternative I must say, on our first date he wore dark clothes, dark greys and blacks, with various emo accessories. One of them was a choker made of safety pins that he had constructed the night before, he called it a necklace- it was pretty obvious he created a collar. Connotations of being claimed, owned, possessed. My possession. It pleased me deeply, and he knew that. He also wore a sleeveless shirt under his baggy grey denim jacket, which i do heavily like on men.

He is lean, but rather muscular, he flexed his arms when I asked and I was pleased to see that his biceps were more than decent. He wears clear glasses, and has braces that will be removed in a couple weeks, and some acne across his face. My Lemon Shark is 6 foot. I am 4 foot 10. His ex, I came to learn on the date, was around 5 foot 8. What an interesting difference.

He hates the way he looks. Every time we took a selfie on our date, he kissed my cheek in an attempt to cover his face. I think he's handsome, he thinks he's ugly. He also still thinks that I am way out of his league, that he doesnt deserve my kindness or love. I disagree thoroughly, ive always thought I am under peoples leagues, although sometimes I do get these random private bursts of 'No one deserves someone as flawless as me'. 

On the date he was wonderful. So easy to talk to, handsome, charming, funny, respectfully touchy and so sweet. We met an hour before meeting the other two, so we had some time alone. I gave him 2 monster flowers and a heart made of 2 can tabs. He forgot the flowers at the end, which he was so sad about, but he still had the heart. He was clumsy, tripping at least 3 times as we walked, it made me giggle. He held my hand, and payed for everything; our mcdonalds, our photo booth pictures and everyone's monsters. He always made sure i was ok, and if i drifted off to another part of the store hed follow in pursuit as soon as hed noticed I strayed. He hugged me often, and kissed the top of my head. We all went to HMV, Sephora, Mcdonalds and The Entertainer. In HMV we took pictures and showed songs and albums we liked. In Sephora me and my friend tried makeup products on our men's arms and even found their foundation shade. I also found this beautifully pigmented blue mascara that I must go back and buy, despite it being so expensive. In the Entertainer we looked at the toys and the plushies, and in Mcdonalds he ordered an outrageous amount of food for himself; 3 mayo chicken burgers (he wanted a fourth), apple sprite, a double quarter pounder and fries. I watched him down all of that in 15 minutes. We all went for a walk and he directed me to a bush i could pee in. I did so twice. I sat on his lap, as my friend sat on her man's, and we cuddled. When my friend and her boyfriend left for 5 minutes, we shared our first kiss. It was lovely. After a while my friend and her man went home, so me and Lemon Shark stayed together for another hour, during which we found a secluded spot to sit and made out a few times. He held my ribs and applied pressure on them as he supported my neck with the other hand- my god did that do things to me. We talked about school and cannibalism, and he rested his head on my lap as I gently scratched the back of his head. He wanted to fall asleep- he never sleeps. Then, he gave me his bracelet, I gave him a heart binder and he waited for me in the dark as he did not want me to be alone as my dad picked me up. The date was a success. I posted on my instagram story 2 pictures of the photo booth and i had many story replies and hearts. People were happy for me, and i was the happiest id be.

My dad said I could date, but once I told my mum she hated the idea, which converted my dad. They wanted me to break up with him. Im a quiet cryier, but-

Ive never wept louder in my whole life.

My soul poured out for 3 days straight. I did not leave my bed at all on the first day except to go to the bathroom. I hate staying in bed because I feel icky and dirty, but that day I felt nothing but pure sadness. I lost my appetite, I could not eat a dinner I enjoyed, or the mc donalds breakfast my dad bought me the next day, or the Wagamama lunch my auntie bought me on the same day. I cried and cried and cried. Everyone felt bad. 

Its been 5 days since then, and now everyone in my house is treating me differently, as if i were mean to them. They dislike me, and dont talk to me as if this is my fault, as if I should apologise. Apologise for WHAT? 

Im still with him, hes ok being with me virtually, but his heart is consumed with issues. Mental health issues. Hes bipolar and depressed, he says he isnt but I know he is. I want to help yet i dont know how to. And he is completely against me helping him. It breaks my heart when he gets a panic attack or feels nothing. He tried to die at some point, twice, which shattered my soul. He still wants to, so I know I must prevent it. Before he told me a bunch of his mental health issues, I told him I didnt want this to be an All The Bright Places situation, he claimed he never saw the film so that night he did. He resonated with Finch too much. Far too much.

Ive created a whole page on information about him in my notes app, everysingle thing ive learnt about him. Everything, even the most insignificant of things. I check when hes online, and over analyse his texts, and i worry. I worry far. Too. Much. 

I have every right to.

He pointed out how he used to ghost his ex for a week or two because he saw himself being mean to her, and assumed not being there was better than being mean. He assured me he wouldnt do that with me, but I dont believe him. His ex was Saten though, so we can let that slide.

Now, we are doing reasonably fine. He is bothered by the fact that I cant see him in real life, but ill find a way around that. Other then that, he still loves me deeply, and I still adore him. Thats all that matters for me. 

I love my baby so much. He has consumed my heart already, I am scared of what will become of me in the future.

Today has been a cold cold day, I am currently wrapped up in a large blanket with my water bottle between my legs. Oh how I love such days.

Stay warm, my beautiful moths♡

Yours, until the stars forget me- Moony˚࿔